Caught In Neighbour’s Arms, My Revenge Burned Her House!

The TV Morning News the next day had a great sequence showing the crowd watching the smoke billowing out of the house as firemen came and went. Best of all, they showed a shot of my wife and Ted wrapped up in blankets staring blankly at the smoking house. Finally, one of the firemen came out and said to the scene commander, “There is no fire.

There is a lot of very acrid smoke, but we cannot find any fire.” Jim Bob is checking the attic now, but nothing is scorched or burnt that we can see. The scene commander suggested Ted and Bev not stay in the house until it was thoroughly checked out for electrical or gas problems. Bev said, “I will go to my parents.” Ignoring our neighbors and their offers to help, Bev went inside quickly, dressed in the bedroom and left in her BMW. Ted nodded and said, “Think I will go to the Holiday Inn.” The scene commander added dryly, “That is probably wise.” Ted was slower than Bev as he had to recover his scattered clothes. As he tried to back his truck out of the garage, he found out about the two flat tires. His truck was stranded half in and half out of the garage. One of the neighbors finally took pity on him and dropped him at the Holiday Inn. There he discovered he had no credit cards and only $25 in cash. He called Bev, who gave the Holiday Inn clerk her credit card over the phone, only to discover her credit card was cancelled. Bev’s dad finally had to step in and give his personal card over the phone before Ted could get a room for the night. My wife and her lover were very unhappy people.

I returned straight to the hunting camp and went to bed. The next morning, I was up before dawn and out on a remote deer stand. I took time to bury the gas mask, flashlight, and gloves deep in the woods. After that, I dodawled and did not return to the farmhouse until almost 1:00. Sure enough, there was a stranger sitting on my front porch. He was a lean, older man with grizzled gray hair.

As I walked up, the stranger said, “Hi, you must be John.” “I am,” I replied.

John, my name is Jimmy. I am an arson investigator for the fire department. I looked at him quizzically, he continued.

Strange thing happened last night at your house. There was a fire. I interrupted, figning concern. Was Bev hurt? How bad is the damage? No, no, everybody is fine. Funny thing about this fire though, there was a heap of smoke, but even looking this morning in the daylight, we can find no evidence of a fire. Smoke, but no fire. I am not sure I understand, I answered, trying to seem confused. Jimmy sighed. Me neither.

Been doing this 20 years and never seen anything quite like it. I just stood there looking suitably perplexed. Did I mention your wife and neighbor Ted were flushed out in there altogether by the smoke? Flushed right out in front of the whole neighborhood, fire crews, sheriff’s department, and TV reporters, not to mention Ted’s wife. I shook my head. No, you failed to mention that, I said, suppressing a grin. You don’t seem to be surprised by your wife’s hanky panky with your neighbor. It was my turn to sigh. Well, if you saw my wife in the buff, you know she is a beautiful creature. Any husband with such a wife knows there is always a chance she will have a diance when his back is turned.

Sad, but a fact of life. Jimmy nodded.

Yeah, ain’t that the truth. What’s that old song say? Something like if you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife.

Reckon there is something to that. Seems to be some wisdom in it. I agreed. Funny thing about your wife and Ted’s symptoms. Sure seems like they got into some tear gas. The fire crew said the smoke was pretty tough. Tear gas, huh?

Doesn’t seem very likely. Yeah, it is illegal to have in this state unless you are police or military. I did not make any reply. You know, only you and Ted’s wife, Charlie, have any incentive to do something like smoke two naked adulterous spouses out into public view with tear gas. Pretty interesting plan.

I replied slowly. Well, I have been here at hunting camp since Friday afternoon.

Jimmy ignored my profile and continued.

Talked with Charlie this morning before I came out here. Shu, that gal is a firecracker, ain’t she? Yes, she certainly is. I agreed. Charlie says she had doubts about her husband’s fidelity but knew nothing definite. Says she got a call from a woman saying her husband was at your house with your wife.

Youngish sounding woman, maybe in her 20s or so, southern accent and good diction, so probably well educated. But Charlie did not recognize the voice.

This call was just before the so-called fire. It allowed Charlie and the rest of your neighborhood to arrive just as your naked wife ran out of the house. Jimmy waited to see if I had a comment. I did not. So he continued. Now if Ted or your wife for that matter had been shot, stabbed, or poisoned, Charlie would be high on everyone’s list of suspects as the perpetrator. Jimmy pursed his lips thoughtfully. But this operation, it was smooth, carefully planned to each tiny detail, and executed precisely. Charlie ain’t that kind of woman. Shoot, she’d just haul off and stab you in the front, eyeball to eyeball, and then she’d twist the knife. She’s not the type of gal to waste time maneuvering to stab you in the back. Yeah, I can see that. I concurred. But you, smart, military background, effective combat leader, engineer. You, on the other hand, are exactly the kind of person who would know how to do this, how to plan it, and then really pull it off. I shrugged my shoulders. What can I say? I was up here at the camp hunting. Jimmy smiled tiredly. Oh, yeah, your alibi. I stopped by the main camp before coming to see you. The gossip line in this county is unbelievable. They all knew everything about this whole affair. They all swear they have seen you around camp off and on all weekend. In fact, Henry swears it was about 8:00 last night when he was sure you two were drinking a beer together. 8:00 just happens to be about when the so-called fire started. Jimmy gave a big sigh. John, you got some good friends and they really like you, but please tell them for me they don’t lie worth a damn. He went on. Interestingly, the fire department dispatch that got the call about your house fire said it was a woman that called them, too. Their description of the woman sounded just like Charlie’s caller. In both cases, the woman said her peace, didn’t answer questions, and hung up. Could almost make one think they were recordings.

Jimmy watched me for a minute, then continued his monologue. You know, I can do some tests, and I am sure I will find tear gas residue in your house. I can fill out a bunch of paperwork and get what number called Charlie and the fire department last night. That might be interesting. This morning I found a man’s footprints down by the lake back of your house about your size. I’d say suspect if I drug the lake I would find some tear gas canisters. Bet if I make the rounds of Army Navy surplus stores I might find a record of interesting recent purchases. Not tear gas, of course, as that is illegal. But maybe things like a gas mask that would be useful for this. Man, this Jimmy is nobody’s fool, I thought to myself. I’m an amateur dealing with a grandmaster.

Jimmy stood up and stretched. But money is tight these days. I have a whole shitload of cases to investigate. There was no property damage. Nobody was injured. It’s your property anyway. It would take a passel of government lawyers a month of Sundays to just figure out what crime, if any, was committed. Reckon there is not much sense in wasting money and time on this.

Jimmy sighed deeply. But I would just hate for someone to think they got away with something when they didn’t. Well, I got a long drive back to town. Better get started. I called out as Jimmy headed to his car. Thanks, Jimmy.

Message received five out of five. Jimmy turned and smiled, recognizing the old military radio terminology. It was a good plan, Captain. Mission accomplished. Now, don’t waste any more time on her. Get on with your life.

Jimmy got in his car and headed back to town. I quickly packed up my gear and started back to my house. Hunting season was over for me this year. I stopped by to give George and Jan the explanation I had promised her for making the recordings for me. They had seen the TV clip of the fire that turned out not to be a fire. They recognized Bev, but not Ted and had easily put the obvious two and two together. It took a while to satiate Jan’s curiosity and thirst for every detail. George just sat there shaking his head and laughing occasionally. I thanked Jan again for her help and went on home, not relishing having to deal with Bev soon. When I got home, I found Ted had retrieved his truck somehow and the phone’s message light was blinking. Bev had called about every hour on the hour starting at 7:00.

The messages were essentially, “John, I am at my parents house. Call me as soon as you get this.” As the day wore on, she was more irritated and expressions like, “Damn it, John. Where are you? we need to talk and please talk to me before you do anything started being added to the recorded messages. I really didn’t feel like dealing with Bev right now, so I ignored the messages. I had missed lunch again and was looking in the refrigerator contemplating possibilities for a sandwich when the doorbell rang. I opened the door and found Charlie standing there with a rise smile. Charlie is usually a very put together and chipper lady. Today she just looked tired and worn out. She said, “Hi, John. By now, I suppose you know everything about last night. I do, I replied. Good. Then I don’t have to explain it again. She smiled, which made her look more like her normal self. We are in the same boat, you and I. Invite me in and offer me a drink. We have a lot to talk about. Come on in, Charlie.

What would you like to drink? Somehow Charlie’s brash self-invitation was a lift to my doldrums. How about a glass of wine? She replied. White or red? I have an Italian peanut grigio or an Oregon peanut noir. How about the peanut grigio? Grab a seat in the den. I’ll bring you your wine. I heard giggling from the den. When I joined her with the wine, I found Charlie smiling as she stared at Bev’s panties still hanging on the chandelier. Bev’s other clothes from last night were still scattered on the floor. Are those Bevs? She cled, pointing at the panties. I nodded.

Charlie laughed, took her wine, and sat down. Are you going to leave them there?

Sort of a permanent decoration or trophy or something? Then she added more sadly.

Maybe at this point it is more like a monk wearing a hair shirt for self flagagillation. Charlie sighed and her temporary good mood was gone. How long have you known about them? Since Friday night when I came back from hunting camp early and found Ted’s pickup in the garage. Did you know or suspect anything? Charlie shook her head sadly.

Well, at least you are only 24 hours ahead of me in the learning process. I suspected Ted of cheating starting about a year after we were married, but I never had any real proof or even enough to do much more than make me wonder if I was paranoid. Obviously, my instincts were correct. I am afraid so, I added.

You know, Bev and I have been close friends since high school. I just can’t believe she, of all people, would screw my husband. Charlie paused for a minute and then continued with a cynical laugh.

Actually, I guess I should not be surprised. How much do you know about your wife and her cheating? Since Friday, I have learned some, but probably only know the tip of the iceberg. Charlie smiled sadly. Well, Bev has always been a cheat. Even in high school and college, she cheated on her pilot husband, even while he was flying combat in Vietnam. And she cheated on you probably every time you went out of town. I think Bev gets turned on by the danger and thrill of it, the flaunting of convention, eating the forbidden fruit or something like that. She can’t seem to help herself. Charlie turned to look directly at me. Are you going to take her back? No. I have an appointment with a lawyer at 8 tomorrow morning.

Charlie looked relieved. Good. One reason I came to talk to you was to tell you she won’t change. You deserve better from a wife. You have her nailed for adultery. Don’t waver. She is a gorgeous woman and can twist men around her little finger. Charlie shook her finger at me for emphasis, but don’t you dare take her back. I smiled at my lecturing neighbor. I won’t. Believe me. How about you, Charlie? Are you taking Ted back?

No way. I would castrate him if I could get away with it. I smiled, thinking back to what Jimmy had said earlier at the camp about Charlie’s fierceness.

Would you like to go with me tomorrow morning and see my lawyer? We have essentially the same case. Probably makes sense to use the same lawyer.

Charlie smiled. You are running faster than I am. Yes, I would love to go with you. Let’s get this thing rolling. I’ll pick you up tomorrow morning at 7:30, I offered. The appointment is at 8:00.